Venturing and Gaining

EEWWWWHHH. The dog just threw up, and somehow, it's just not as awesome as the hurling gorilla at the Bronx zoo. Probably because I had to clean it up.

Thanks to me, some more cucumbers got pickled this morning. The jars sealed and everything. I'm becoming so skilled. In the meantime, I decided to clean up in the basement. I haven't finished, but I got a good start, and it allowed me time to bond with Loulou, the rescued mourning dove. I let her fly free while I was sweeping and organizing. That bird's trust and love is all mine, mine, mine. I can't say the same for the sickly depressed dog, who apparently can't wait until Keely and Carsten get home.

So I'm just taking care of business while they're out of town for the next few weeks. It's good to know me, if I do say so myself. I was going to do some painting and weeding around the evening, but it's raining and pouring, and I've only been good for snoring. Luckily, I think things are going to be cooling down around here as a result of the much needed rain, which will be nice for that painting and weeding. The whole country seems like it has been in heat.

Other than keeping up with the pets and chores, I got to hang out with Josh and Franz the other day. Josh and I went to the St. Paul's farmer's market, in which we got attacked by a thunderstorm. We were drenched. We brewed some tea to warm up and wait for it to pass before venturing to Uptown (It's like the Williamsburg of New York; in other words, a hipster mecca), where we saw some snazzy cars all dressed up. It was kind of like the Harris Lake Boat race, but not at all. No racing involved. Just parading.

Then Franz and I went to check out Josh's farm, which was quite beautiful. We saw two fawn on the way out to his place and got a little lost in the country on the way home. To our joy, a drunk, country couple helped us with directions, as they were getting out to change drivers. We followed their swerving tail to the main highway.

I'm venturing into a book on writing called If you Want to Write, written by a long-time deceased Minnesotan, in hopes to cultivate my imagination. I've had such an aversion to writing lately. I don't know if it's from school, or the OA, or what, but something left a cramp in my hand and a block in my head. But I guess I'm just making excuses. Anyone can write, but I'm just not. It's all about change and making myself do things. Getting over aversions. It's just the beginning: venturing and gaining. Hopefully, not failing.

On a lighter note: I get a haircut tomorrow by a sexy, Scottish man. Yay. It's been ages.

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

Well, I haven't posted in awhile, because I didn't really have anything out of the ordinary to post about. But I guess I could take the American Beauty approach and talk about all the beautiful plastic bags I see floating around in the Minnesota breeze. That's not really true, but lots of other ordinary things have happened. Now, how do I make them sound incredible? How about I just summarize and leave the makeovers to your imaginations? Great.

1) I've learned how to pickle cucumbers recently. Very exciting. Actually I do wish I had a picture of the process, because anything green, is usually pretty, except for envy. And sweet Jesus, I love the smell of dill. Don't buy me flowers; just give me a bouqet of dill, and I'll simply love you forever. Or love you simply forever. Your pick.

2) Relaxing in the hammock has taken up a bit of my time. Luckily, it's productive relaxation and I finally finished Machine Dreams by Jayne Anne Phillips, who I met at a short story conference last year. I've also read Black Tickets, but it's a compilation of short stories, so it wasn't as easy to get into. And it seemed overly artistic in that abstract way. Not as grounded as I found Machine Dreams. Takes awhile to get into also, but by the end of it I was hooked by the relationships between the characters. Talk about some pyscological realism.

3) I've managed to do some more painting on the exterior of the house and will continue to do so. It's a slow process. Wouldn't want to rush it.

4) The Walker Art Museum and Sculpture garden kept me busy on Tuesday. I usually love museums, but I found myself being annoyed by art in general on this particular museum trip. I could go on in more length, but I don't want to bore the uninterested. Zap me an email if you want to hear more about my new philosophy on art.

5) I've been eating so much good food. Carsten really knows how to cook things up right. I'm taking notes, so look forward to tasting some of my new dishes. No longer will I only be famous for cheese triangles and baklava.

6) Some time ago, I hung out with Franz, Chad, and Rachel--all Heifer alumni. Chad's mom concocted some Margaritas for us to go with the Braut (sp? that sausagey meat thing) Chad grilled. Bon apetite!

Then, Chad, Rachel and I saw the Wallflowers play in downtown Minneapolis on a gorgeously still evening barely lit by a fingernail moon. The concert was sponsored by Miller Light to raise money for the Catholic Church. Funny, I know. The Wallflowers aren't the most exciting band to watch, although the keyboard player provided a few laughs. I think he thought he was a drummer. Too bad Dylan is so monotonous. Result: The sleepiness makes it easy to miss some of the thoughtful lyrics. I know I'm making fun, but I went and had a good time, so I think that means I'm not being snobby about this reflection.

Speaking of music: 89.3/4/5 The Current depending on reception is a great radio station in St. Paul/Minneapolis. If you're able to check it out via the internet or some other device, it wouldn't be a bad choice.

Another musical note: The Oxford American music issue comes out soon. I'm wondering which songs made it. Some of you might like purchasing it. Even if you don't like music, you might like the writing. Or if you don't like reading writing, you might like the music.

7) I tried to give some lady directions in Spanish. It was a hoot. Neither of us knew what I was saying. So much for a college education.

8) Some boy of about 12 or 13 came by wanting to mow the lawn. He also said he sold massages. I just mowed the lawn that day, so that was out of the question. And somehow I thought purchasing a massage from a young lass could get me in trouble with the law. Where was that kid's mother?

9) We've got hooked on this show called Brat Camp. Where was that show when my brothers were wild adolescents? It might have helped. Luckily, they're all a little more sane these days. Not completely, but sane enough that I'll admit the relation. I wonder if Joel's ever thought about being a counselor at some outdoors camp? I could see him being good at it. He's a therapeutic kind of guy.

I also had no idea that watching Million Dollar Baby would make me weep. I also saw Team America, which I found vulgarly amusing. My friends were appalled by the movie and I think by me, since I couldn't help but laughing during parts where they were smirking in disgust. So what if I've been watching too much television?

10) And I've just been thinking a lot, you know, about my life and where I want it to go. I could go on, but it would get really messy for you to listen to. I'll most likely be working on Josh's farm (another Heifer alum) in Wisconsin starting in the beginning of August and lasting through the end of October. I'm pretty excited about it, as I think any new work experience can help clarify my messy thoughts.

I'm sure I'm leaving all kinds of things out (I have to say this to make it seem that way), but hopefully you feel more in tune with me.

I know my mother doesn't. Last night on the phone, she was like, "So what have you been doing?" I'm like, "You know the usual, just hanging out and stuff." I have a habit of being frustratingly vague...at least she thinks so, but in this case, I thought it was a rather explicit description of my life lately. Her response: "Ellen, nothing ventured, is nothing gained." I think she was saying I'm boring. Thanks, mom.

But let me put it more into context for you. This was after she was trying to convince me to locate all the Greek churches in St. Paul/Minn. and visit each one of them. Not to find God, but to find a Greek man. Afterall, that's what she always did to meet boys. If it was for God, I could kind of understand. Besides, she's 50% more Greek than me, so it made sense for her to do that kind of thing. Maybe I am unadventurous. I just don't feel like looking, especially on a Sunday. Do you blame me?

Good Grief

i was originally going to call this post "no frills" to characterize the general look of minnesotans. people dont seem as preoccupied with appearance here. more about comfort than style. its awesome.

by the way im typing on a german kezboard, so the z key is where the y key should be, and it really mixes up my thinking, so just excuse mz lapses in spelling...the punctuation is also a little crazy, so im only going to use commas and periods. zou understand, zes.

but then, this terrible thing happened. ive been housesitting the past few days for my friends here, and part of the sitting involves caring for these birds that they rescued. well, one of the sparrows looked a little ill, so i took frenchesca out of the cage to feed her, and immediatelz i knew she was in for. i gave her some water and put her back in her cage, thinking the water would revitaliye her. i came back within a few minutes to check on her and she looked wretched, so i picked her up in attempts to soothe her, but apparently i just soothed her right along to death. she froze stiff. now shes really frozen in the freezer to preserve her physical remains until keely and carsten get back so we can give her a proper funeral. whoever said grief was good. i dont agree. grief feels like shit to me most of the time. i had a beer to help me get over francesca. it only worked a little bit.

her boyfriend sparrow, augustus, took it pretty hard. he shared a cage with her and wouldnt eat after it happened and the next day. i dont think he trusted me or what i was feeding him. i dont blame him. he couldnt understand that she died of natural causes. he had a right to be suspicious. but it was just killing me that he wouldnt eat and hated me so much. keely and carsten said he would be better off to go ahead and free, so i did. it was glorious. well, actuallz, he flew straight into a bush, but then i saw him flyzing around all curiouslike within minutes. so i think hell be okay. now, i just have the crayz mourning dove, lulu, to deal with. although, she didnt seem to mourn at all over francescas death, which is a bit ironic.

now, its been a few days, so im not as torn up about francesca, but i thought id go ahead and share the story and more importantly my grief.

other than that, ive been really lazy, finishing a book, watching lots of tv, mowing and playing in the garden, making raspberry vodka. it was so nice to be alone at first, because i hadnt been by myself for about a month. but now im getting a little anxious for some action. sometimes, thats all i can do to motivate myself, is to get so lazy that i feel almost worthless, and the onlz way out of the self worthlessness is to make a goal.

so what should my first goal be...

Philo, not to be confused with Filo Dough

Philo is a little bit country, which was a nice change of scenery from New York. Not that I didn't like New York in its city-ness, but contrast is always beneficial. It makes me think, anyway.

Here's what I thought: I love Illinois. Now considering I've loved just about every place I've been, I realize I'm not making a head-turning announcement. "No, you mean she loves another place," you say. I sense your sarcastic whispers. No whispering on my parade, please. I've decided I'm just a very open individual, hence my love for all places. The good thing though is that I love these places in different ways, for different reasons. And I think that's what needs to be judged, especially if I'm going to be re-locating to any of these places, which is very much an option at this point.

I loved New York for it's limitless-ness. There was always something to do, somewhere to be taken to. But for the same reason I love things, I also dislike them. If I ever just wanted to stay in and read, I almost felt guilty, like, "Geez, I should be out doing something cultural."

However, I'm discovering that same thing can happen even in the country. I thought things would slow down in Philo, but boy, was I wrong, wrong, wrong. Philo was limitless in its landscape. The corn and soybean fields and the sky went on forever. There were so many little towns and parks and nature to see. We droved, strolled and hiked (although when a trail in Illinois said rugged, it means long, not rugged). We pet the horses. Saw a snake. Tried not to disturb a beehive being buzzed around by billions of bees. Squirrels like I've never seen. Rabbits. Mourning doves. Red-winged black birds. Fireflies. Full and low, lava-glowing moons. It was enough to make me cry, more than once.

And I should have never ate that chili-cheese dog on Coney Island. Since then, I've eaten steak and cornbeef and turkey. I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat little enough meat to make me feel guilty if I don't confess my recent trend in meat consumption. There, I'm purged. I blame it to not wanting to be rude when meat is one of the only things offered, and not wanting to explain, "Well, no, I'm not a vegetarian, I just don't eat a lot of meat. Why? Well, because, there's the health and environmental issues..." What an un-fun explanation, especially to someone of the older generation (crusty old bastards, as Melissa calls them). But I'm really lying here, if I don't admit that I love every cooked ounce of it. I forgot how good and filling it is, which means I'm probably going to continue being sinful. Hopefully, I'll start sinning in better moderation. I'll keep you updated.

Enough about me. Back to Philo. I stayed with Danielle and her grandfather. We got her grandfather drunk the night I arrived, so he says and sung all evening, "I had me a little drink about an hour ago." Although, he only had one glass of wine, so I think he was pulling our leg about the "drunk" part. He took us to a rodeo the last night we were there, in which there were many contestants from Arkansas, even two from Perryville (a Josh and a Jeff, I think). Enough to almost make me homesick. Especially those fireflies. Although, I prefer to say lightning bugs. What do you call 'em?

Acknowledgements Page

Well, I realize I didn't exactly explain/describe the people I was hanging out with in New York and other places. Therefore, I've decided to start an acknowledgements page, which I'll edit along the way. Now, I know blogs are ordinarily journal-like, but I don't see any problems with it being multi-faceted. If people happen to see someone's profile as interesting and ask me for their contact info and then hit it off, who am I to say blogs shouldn't also be used as dating services. And it's absolutely FREE. If I haven't met you along the way on this road trip, but you'd like your profile included, be sure to let me know. I don't discriminate and can ignore your worser traits and write a glowing recommendation.

NASHVILLE

Natalie and Greg: A wonderful couple who allowed me to use their futon for a fun-filled night in the music capital. Now, granted, they are a couple, and I'm not a big fan of homewrecking (not that I haven't ever done it, which is how I learned I"m not a big fan of it), I suggest this couple be contacted only in cases of emergency (Greg is just entering Medical School, so he could probably re-set your bones or give you advice about birth control or something) or in cases of other couples looking for new couples to hang out with. Natalie is good at many things, but she's especially good at counseling and making strawberry cakes and being jokey. They love cats.

P.S. They have recently re-located to Chapel Hill

CHAPEL HILL

Josh: Can this boy sing! Well, if he can't sing, he can definitely turn saws and other hand tools into musical instruments. Besides his musical skills and talents, he really knows his way around the kitchen. One of the more wittier people that I know. Great hair. Owns a gigantic van. And can get you a discount at Whole Foods (and that place is expensive.)

WASHINGTON DC

Tron: How should I explain Jon? I feel like Jon is a reflective soul as he is trying out different paths in the world. He definitely has an urge to help people, although from the sounds of his blog, he might be focusing more on his self lately than on other people (he has his reasons, I'm sure). Consistency and follow-through are two strong points. Smart; A dynamic conversationalist.

NEW YORK CITY

Emily: A childhood pal, so you know she's loyal. We met in art class, so you know she's creative. A graduate of Sarah Lawrence College. Can liven up any dull room. Good with children and men. And great taste in books.

The following three people share an apartment with Emily.

Joey: Willing to spend money on a good meal. A thinker and sometimes poet. Adventurous, if the risks aren't too high. Recently joined the Garbriel Garcia Marquez fan club. Is trying his hands at interning, which he thinks might be against his better judgment.

Sarah: Has a boyfriend, but would make a good friend. She has a knack for working with the elderly. Owns a great selection of earrings. And if I said Josh knows his way around a kitchen, I take that back, because Sarah really knows her way around the kitchen. I'm talking some elegant meals. I didn't know people our age knew how to cook like that. Even-tempered.

David: Not even-tempered, but goes by Violet Temper, at least when he's dressed up in drag. A great set of legs and sense of humor. Introduced me to Party Monster and watched a documentary about the Omish with me (Good movie taste). Knows how to sew.

Melissa: Recent convert to New York, and she's making the most of it with two jobs on her belt. Work-ethic--she's got it. She's in a runner's club, so you should be in shape if you want to keep up with her. Likes: zoos, bars, and cheese.

PHILO, ILLINOIS

Danielle: This girl doesn't know how to have a bad time. Has strong family values. Entering med school in Little Rock come fall, so she'll probably be too busy to date you. Loves animals. And did I mention: Gorgeous (inside and out). I think I heard she danced on a table, once, or twice...

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA

Keely and Carsten: I've known Keely since the womb. We're not twins, but my mom used to own a maternity store that her mom shopped at. Both of our moms were pregnant with us at this time, and we lived down the street from each other until we were 18, when she decided to move away to Germany to live with a guy she met on a plane. That guy is Carsten, and they're now living happily ever after. That sort of thing never happens to me, but it's a good story, yeah? Well, I guess Keely and Carsten are off limits, unless you're just looking for two quirky friends who know lots of odd facts about anything and everything. At least Carsten does. Also, animal lovers.

Consumption

Well, my last day in New York proved to be a full one, literally.

1) Breakfast: Moosetracks Ice Cream
2) Lunch: Coney Island Chili and Cheese Dog with Cheese Fries + Beer
3) Snacks: 2 Giant Daquries in a Bong Looking Device + 2 Magnolia Cupcakes
4) Sort of Dinner: Sweet Potato Fries + Guacamole and Chips

Not one healthy thing. Okay, the Guacamole is debatable.

I think even my nose has gained weight. It's great not to take one's self and diet so seriously, at least while one's on vacation, and it's important to celebrate the beginning and/or ends of things. And I guess this is the end of New York for me, for now. I'm so sappy and sad about it, I might have to comfort myself with some more Ice Cream after this entry.

However, ixnay on the maynay, which is code for, I'm no longer going to Maine or Boston for that matter. I realize visiting both of these places would obviously make me a cooler person, but if I invest in these places it screws up timing with visiting people and places of the Illinois/Minnesota/Wisconsin area. I'm feeling a tiny bit miserable about not being able to do it all, but I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too (talking metaphorically now, and I think I've screwed the saying up, but you know what I mean.) But this doesn't negate the approaching excitement of visiting Danielle in Champaine, Illinois, which I think is going to be a little bit more country and a little bit less city.

The change of pace will be nice. At least, my legs think so. They really are too short (long torso) for the hustle and bustle of New York. Ignore my whining, unless you want to criticize it in a post. All posts are welcome, even negative ones, just anything. I'm beginning to think not enough people are reading the blog and that I'll have to resort to the old school mass email. The choice is yours.

I'm going to go throw up now.

Just kidding. You think I want to be like that gorilla at the zoo (If you don't know what this is referring too, you need to revert to reading previous posts)? Not my style. I'm much more sophisticated than that.

Never Give Up

I drove my car all the way back to the mechanic at the Bronx in traffic with heavy delays due to construction (all and all it took me 2 hours to drive 20 miles and shot my whole day) only to have him tell me that my car is allergic to New York. More or less, he told me my car is old and it doesn't do so hot in hot weather, so to lay off the air conditioner and head somewhere less congested. I could have told myself that. On the bright side, I saw some crazy ass road rage in the bumper to bumper New York style traffic. This middle-ager hops out of his car, proceeds to walk to the van behind him, open up the driver's side door before screaming "Fuck You" before closing the door and returning to his car. It was wild. I'm just glad he didn't have a gun, and I'm really glad it wasn't my car door he was opening. But then and again, I'm a bad ass at driving in big city traffic (gasp! who would've thought), so he would have no reason to assault me. I really don't mean to have my blogs so automobile centric. I promise I'm doing plenty of other things besides breaking, fixing and cursing my car. I'm racking up all kinds of conversation starters: There's always the statue of liberty, museums, plays, bars, restaurants to talk about. But I am on a road trip. Therefore, my car is often at the core of subject material, as it does get me or prevent me from getting to where I need to be going.

I'm going to be heading to Maine on Tuesday, which I'm quite thrilled about. Actually, I'm going to take a Chinatown Bus to Boston to meet Catherine, a friend and ex-Oxford American-colleague and then we're going to catch another bus up to Maine (just in case you need the gory details). I'm hoping to give a shout out to Jared while in Boston. Any of you Heifers have requests for me to send to him in this shout out? Let me know. There's probably not going to be as many people in Maine, which will be a change of scenery for sure. There's just tons and tons of people here in New York. Tons. Everywhere. Always accidentally bumping someone's shoulder. I think the crowdedness of New York is its best and worst attribute. Something for everyone and no one.

Speaking of somethings, I attended a drag show last night, which starred one of the roommates I've been staying with: a Miss Violet Temper (stage name), who performed a number from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It was hot and sexy and overall a very cheap and safe evening, as far as being absolutely sure no guys, no matter how beautiful or ugly, but mostly beautiful were in the least bit interested in me--once again, a best and worst. Not that I've been having all that much trouble with beautiful boys hitting on me in straight bars. Come on, fellas: I'm exotic. I'm from Arkansas. Although, I did get a little accidental play. In the subway on the way home, the train took off a little more suddenly than usual, which sent me tripping almost to the ground. Impulse reached my hand out to lighten the fall, but instead a snoozing man's crotch caught my hand and my fall. Boy, did he jump. Boy, did I apologize: "I am so sorry." I guess it wasn't that good for him. He just nodded and went back to sleep. Some things never change, but that's no reason to give up.

Good and Bad Day

Sheesh--talk about a long day. I've been reuniting with a Miss Melissa Rudder from the ranch over the past few days. We've had a good time talking it up and hanging it out. We went on a mission to find her a local bar. I think we succeeded. One of the bars in her neighborhood serves you a pizza (free!) with a beer (even if you order a cheap one)--and the pizza is whole and big and tasty. It was very exciting to my budget. Anyway, on to the good day, bad day part.

In the midst of our girly bar hopping, I managed to hurt my foot somehow. I didn't break it, but it's just uncomfortable to walk on, which I did a lot of today. Melissa and I went to the Bronx Zoo, which was fascinating and beautiful and almost made you feel like you weren't in a city. One of the Gorillas even threw up in his hand and then ate the throw up, only to throw it up and eat it again. It was awesome! So, the zoo begins the good part of the day. The bad part of the day began when Melissa had to go back to work to wait on Kevin Bacon or some other shabby celebrity, and I was left to wonder the streets of the Bronx alone.

Now, I had a very good reason for staying in the Bronx alone. My car needed picking up and seeing as how I got it towed to the Bronx after the first car place I took it to was going to charge me a couple grand, I thought, how perfect: We'll go to the zoo, and I'll retrieve my car, all in one day. Little did I know how amazingly fucking lost I'd get in the grungiest parts of the Bronx. Granted, everyone was really nice and offered to give me help. Too bad all of those people had horrible senses of directions as well, leaving me even more lost and stranded.

Finally, I got my act together and called the mechanic for help. He got me closer to the burning rubbery scent of my engine, but once again, the whole getting lost thing came up again, so he just had one of his guys pick me up on a corner. It was not awesome in the least. Okay, so the guy who picked me up was really nice and they barely charged me anything at all (well, in comparison to the original couple grand estimate), so it wasn't a total lost. So by the time I get back to Brooklyn, four lost hours had passed (of course I got lost driving on the way back--but not too bad). I've really got to start using a map. But here's the kicker, when I get within a block of Emily's (where I'm mostly staying) my car starts--??? You guessed it: Overheating. Hot damn. What a day!